late night

I really really don't know whats going on now!
I'm always feeling so up sad now & then.
This few nights i've been crying a lot.
I miss him so much.
I don't know am i thinking too much or putting things in a bad situation & over think of it.
Actually i'm really scared i still couldn't put down e past hurt i had.
I'm afraid it has become a fear to me.
It's like hunting me each time i try to put all my best in something i really care & love a lot.
I'm scared i'll use him.
I'm scared i'll use him to fill up e hole.
I'm scared i wouldn't love him enough.
I'm scared i'll hurt him super deep.
I'm scared i'll screw everything up.
I'm scared i'll change as time goes.
I'm scared of so many things.
I'm scared of my own feelings.
BUT I'm scared to lose him too.
I don't know what i'm thinking no
I've lost control of myself!
I don't know how to handle things coming my way anymore.
I really wan to get away from this place!
I really need to find a place where i can have sometime for myself to relax not get stress.
It's been a long time since i last cried so badly.
I really need to let it out!
Crying was e best way for me get myself outta stress but again i felt weak by doing so.
This is probably my only weak point.
I've no idea what's going to happen next!
It's been almost 8 months from then till now.
I seriously wants things to get better!
I cant take all this drama anymore.
Think it's too much for me to take it.
NO MORE NONSENSE!
:"{

Emotional~

feeling super stuffy inside now. i have no idea why. its killing me bit by bit each time!

suddenly having flashback of what D did & hurt me so much. seriously i have no idea that would happen. izzit my karma? if its so i didnt do anything wrong to deserve such karma rite?! all of them left me i didnt leave them at all! so much so for loving them so much & when i almost decided to put my heart fully into it & all i get was all this shit that is happening.i seriously dont know what was going on with my life! do i really deserve such things?

having WD now izzit a gift from you telling me karma's over here's to cherish whats going to happen for the rest of my life? telling me that this world there is still good hearted man around not just e playboy's? if its so i'm really very grateful but all the karma before is hunting me, i'm having phobia with r/s. i know i can trust him but i cant trust myself anymore. i'm afraid i will go crazy once more not knowing what to do with my super broken heart. realize r/s is not a game my heart could take it anymore, i'm sick & tired of it. i even have this feeling of not getting bother nor having any connection with it anymore but it just seems to not leave me.

Confuse

HTHT with WD again.
This time round is about whether he should sign on a not & talked about what's going to happen for the next 5 years & how e lifestyle would be like. 2 years not being able to see him & contact less is a super big issue to me actually but I'm sure some how I should be able to fix it or adjust to it thou its going to be a crazy journey down this whole years thingy. I really don't wan to be e reason stopping him to do it & don't wan to be e reason for him to regret. I don't know what's going to happen 5 years down the road. Even that 4 days of not being able to contact with him alr shows everything!! I wasn't able to adjust suddenly but I'll have to learn to adjust all this things in life! I can't possibly think stuff that's me self centered. WD is not thinking this way which hurt me more cos his putting me 1st in everything which makes me falling deeper but I don't wan to do things that hurts him & of course I don't wanna lose him. I know his the type of guy that will love me forever without change. Maybe just sometimes in argument we quarrel & stuff but in e end we will still love each other still. WD always finds its way to fix things back properly & talk things out. Thats 1 thing I like the most! At least he talks about it & doesn't keep it to himself bottling up all.
This hurt painful feeling hasn't hit me for quite awhile. It's hurting me like crazy now! D': I have no idea what's life going to be between me & WD.

Crazy night!

OMG!! I've this feeling like i felt so wanted for the past Few weeks & now i felt so unwanted suddenly! It's been about 48 hrs plus since the last time I'm able to communicate with WD!! :'( feeling super moody at times. Sometimes I cannot even concentrate doing my work! Always waiting for your name to pop up on my phone! Missing that special ring tone fix for u on my mobile!! :( MISS YOU SO BADLY! The only way now for me to not think about u is to make myself busy with all the projects & phase test assignments. :/ I don't know how long more I can tahan before I break down thou it's just going to be 4 days without having u around no communication not reachable at all. Use to be able to survive without it but now it seems to be tough doing it! I have no idea why. Does this means you mean a lot to me now? So much so that I don't wanna lose u? Hmm.. Maybe it e reason.. Heart just prove to me your importance to me. Your part of me now. Without u I'm kinda lost. Feels like no one is there when I needed. I really wan to just hug you so tight now I don't wan to let go! D':

Randoms~

WD went back to camp for course all the way at book lay. Starting from monday onwards i don't get to see & talk to him so often like i use too. D: IMISSYOU SOSOSO MUCH!! <3 constantly checking phone to see if i'll get a text from you. hoping in the morning once i wake up i'll get to see a sweet morning text. been love sick for the past few days the moment i know i wouldn't be able to talk to you so often cos you're going to be super busy & tired. hurts so much so hear your voice yesterday sounding super tired & drain out, though you were crazy talking senseless to me in the conversation but i still love the way you talk & sound super different another part of you unlocked again~ under going searching all different sides of you~ its like a mystery that needs to be hunted in order to unlock all of them~

I'M ON A HUNTING SPREE NOW~ :D heheheheh! <3 

Counting down the hours before i can get to see you for another 48hours before you need to go back for course. after this i need to bottle up all your love for another few more weeks that i doubt i'll be able to see you. :( you becomes important to me now! it seems like i can't afford to lose you like how you said once you cannot bare & cannot afford to lose me cos you lose me once & it hurts like shit!

BABIE I'M TELLING YOU NOW! 

YOU WILL NOT LOSE ME EVER AGAIN! :D 

I PROMISE! <3

I'LL LOVE YOU LIKE I'VE NEVER LOVE ANYONE BEFORE! :*

Home alone SATURDAY NIGHT~

after so many months i've finally agree with my heart to let WD enter my life.
but i'm still not official with him yet. i dont know if its a good thing anot. i'm afraid i would hurt him. i still have that phobia in me to fully commit into relationship. :'( thanks to that ASSHOLE EX BF of mine. i dont know how can i love him so much before. really wasted a lot time & effort on him. spend so much tgt with him too but yet i still rmb the happy times we had tgt the few months after broke up instead of hating him for cheating on me. because of him i'm also afraid same thing history is going to happen on me again. i know i can trust WD but i cant trust myself. i dont know what will i do. i dont know if i will hurt him a not. i dont know if he can take my life style. i dont know if he really be able to take my attitude. i can be really bad ass attitude that even my family also cannot take it. but is not something i wan to. i wish i could change but i cant. its like fix into my system already. :'( i really dont know if i should go official. i dont wan to hurt him. his a nice guy he doesnt deserved to get hurt if i were too. maybe i shouldnt have turn the table the other way around back. should have stayed how we use to be. but again i sort of love him now. i dont dislike him like how i use to get annoyed by whatever he does. i always wan to see him no matter how much i say i DO NOT WANT TO! i always say words without filtering which hurts him indirectly unintentional. :'( never fails to check my phone always to see if i get any text or tweet from him. always checking his tweet. now i felt that his actual the guy i always envy to have. the nice sweet guy with surprises never fails to make u smile makes me love him more each time. i dont wan to lose him thou. i wan to keep him locked beside me forever. just that he has slightly bad temper, emotion & impatient. wonder how long will we last this long. his the sweetest so far. always there for me. spare me a lot of time no matter how much things he have to do & how tired he is. im quite hard to please which makes me guilty sometimes. but i dont know how to change. & i dont wan to change cos this is ME! he always fufill anything im craving for or whats on my mind. is like he knows me at the back of his friends. it feels like his always proud to have my everywhere he goes. he always talks about me. im like trending everywhere. he always brings me along to meet his friends. is he proud of having me that he wants to show everybody im his girl?? :| i really dont know whats going to happen down the road. all i know now is that i'm going to treasure what i have now den to regret ltr like 4 years back.

YOU CAN DO IT AMLY!! HAVE FAITH IN YOURSELF!!

Late night~

Had a surprise from WD at work!! He came walking pass my outlet with his brothers~ hahah! That happy moment when I saw him stand right there smiling! That instant silly smile on my face! That spilt second moment! I really melt a bit. I guess it hit me somehow!

Was chatting with all of them.. Many things they have ask me about me & WD relation. It's complicated thou but it's just me that's having this whole relation hanging there. I don't know it I should really accept him or am I really ready for another hope!? Another better future for us!? But this 2 days I've been having weird feelings towards him! Did something's that I wouldn't do it for any other guys! It's something I went off my limits again! Did things that I would complain its troublesome & gets annoy by it! Worried he safety home cos his half drunk! That moment of thought came to me that I actually wan to send him bak home safely before I gets home! But cos my freedom restriction it doesn't allows me to do so which cause me to be so worried once I left the cab! That look on my face & feeling wasn't something I've felt before nor happened on anybody else!

Guess its high time I need to settle down once again think twice what I really want between me & WD!! I shall not cause anymore hurt to anybody else! He doesn't deserved to be treated this way! WD even thou I know u love me so much but I'm sorry I hurt u so badly all this while~ I'll make it up to u! Just waiting for the right time right place right feeling right mindset! ❤<3