27 April 2012 friday

due to ytd my stupid itchy fingers i when to peel e skin off my injured toe thinking nothing is wrong, just a few sec after i put e medi on it i striaght away scream in pain dont know wat to do.. almost cried! thats how pain it was once e medi tounches e wound & today its so pain that i couldnt walk properly at times. had to wear slippers to sch. think my right leg is damn jialet, everywhere is pain. i think i also injure some where near my ankle, it feel super pain at some point of time when i walked too long. just i need to visit the doctor again if it gets worst. sigh.... :'( 

had a very long day.. todays lesson theory was a bit dry but i still manage to stay awake during teaching.. just as i thought i can go home my friend reminded me that theres course workshop. totally shag after that.

ipv6 workshop is a total waste of time. quite boring & of course i didn't listen to what the speaker was talking about uh. was playing with my phone and talking to classmates. after class went to aunt place & head to airport together to send her off to bkk. what a nice life. i wish i can left town too. kinda sick of this town. needs a get a way to enjoy life.

after dinner just now i was very tired that i'm kinda down.. so many things running through my mind again.. so many things that i don't understand why i changed myself so much.. its like i have spilt personality now.. i have multi character.. so many thing i'm doing now i don't know which is my true self.. i have confuse with my true self & my fake self.. things are getting out a hand.. i really need a place to rest myself in peace! i just need a peace of mind to forget what ever has happened within this period of time.. i'm putting myself in so much sorrows.. i don't know what to do.. all i know now is to tired myself down to not be able to think about anything else anymore.. just drop dead on bed and doze off wake up with no problems occurring..

just don't know why i'm like this now.. so restless each day.. its because of YOU think i let YOU affect me too much i need to learn to stop letting YOU affect me this much.. I NEED TO GET BACK MY LIFE!

Party night..

22/4/12 party event at zirca..
Damn awesome fun night with my nitec friends & babies~ drank so fast I got too tipsy & when overboard at point of time.. Hahaha! But again.. Sucky thing I cried again.. Fucked up.. Meet bud near toilet once he reach infront of me I hugged him & burst into tears.. Omg! I never thought I will do that.. But that hug was so comfortable! Omg! The hugged I ever wanted.. So shiok! Love that so much.. After that I went to dance floor dance all my tears off.. Den head back home.. Shared cab with rong.. She sended me back.. I was surprise we actually still talk normally.. Not as awkward.. Had a very bad hangover e next day plus I have to work.. Damn it! I was totally shag max! Never felt that sick before.. Totally no mood for work.. Luckily I working until 1pm only.. Den cab home rest all e way.. But Monday I had super bad menses cramp & took mc.. 2 days mc just enough for me to rest.. Shiok.. Also put my heart to rest.. Guess I should control my emotions once I drink too much.. Must let it over take my mind.. Need to remove him deep down inside me.. Else I can ever overcome him.. But now I have another's person to miss no time for him anymore.. Must continue this way! Alisa you can do it!! Gambatte!!

Windy night

3 April 2012
Another cozy night..
I feel that something is wrong with me..
If I ever left 1 last breathe to live I will to see you (DLWJ).. I wan to ask you have you ever really fall in love with me for the past 7 mths when we were tgt.. Before everything starts before all e cheating & stuffs?
I also wan you to read all my post in blog for e past few mths when we were tgt.. I wan you to know what I'm really think from the start of our relationship till it ended..
You probably wouldn't see this nor have any regrets nor feeling while reading.. Think I know you too well.. Think I know e answer to my question.. It's probably a no. I was drunk the whole relationship I guess.. Even so I'm not regretful of being in this drunk relationship. I lie everything that happen between us.. Except for some arguments.. Love the way u scolded me too.. You always mouth hard heart soft.. I love you! Never lie a single bit of my love to u.
FYI I wasn't cheating on you.. I'm just friendly to my friends & u misunderstood me.. I didn't argue cause I know u already made up your mind to leave me.
You will be my lesson learn for future.. You will be put to past now & be memories. Hidden up. Never going to be found anywhere. No trace of your sight will be notice.
I HATED

im so fucking sad now..

after telling WD everything from my heart, pour out everything.

after reading my blog again.

kinda make me upset about what ever i do.

FUCKING HATE MYSELF SO MUCH!

i dont know what to do to myself anymore.

i just don't wan to do anything about love.

shall have a good night cry & head to bed.

this is what i hated the most!

FUCK MY LIFE!

1April2012

WHAT THE FUCK I JUST SAID!!

omg. where the fuck did i get the courage from to say all this shit?!

i know is kinda sad telling you the truth that i wouldn't like you & that my heart don't beat for anybody now.

but the thing is i don't wan you ti fall for me.

i know the feeling sucks. n that i shouldn't play with you part time bf anymore.

but i know that thats not the case. you will get damn up set n i don't know whats going to happen.

so i choose not to say that but make it clear that what my heart & mind is really thinking about.

cos deep down inside i'm really not think or wan to have another r/s for the time being.

i know i have cross myself yet. i need a lot of time. i don't wan you to waste this time on me.

i dont wan to hurt anybody already. THAT FEELING IS SUCKS TO THE MAX!!

i really appreciate everything you do for me but i just wan to let you know what i really thinking inside hope you really understand what i mean & i don't wan to take you for granted!

i also don't know why u will fall when we say no. things turn out to be this way i have no choice but to pour my heart out about everything which means what ever i said hurts a lot & i know they sound harsh!

I'M SORRY BUT I DONT WANT YOU TO HURT & FALL DEEPER!

Surprise

13mar2012
This was e day that everything stops!
I don't know how but I got a sudden courage to did e talking & break up. But I walked away after I found the answer that I wanted to know. N cos I couldn't hide my emotions anymore n after I walked away I had a bad relieve. I drop down crying damn badly n walked all e way home. I knew I had to clam down. But I still needed help from alcohol to do that. Drank 1 can at least it stop my tears n pain in my heart for awhile n after that I didn't feel a thing anymore. From that on I didn't talk a single word. Not until a call from him again e next day saying he still has some more things to talk about. But I didn't wan to cos everything was said clearly n I know u got ur heart straight already. So stop all that talking that u want to tell me! I've understand everything that happened already! That's no point telling me anymore! I've done e break up already! Now just stop it! I'm no longer anybody to u & u can't control me anymore. Just go get busy with your new girl! She will be delighted to entertain u that whole time!

That week when I knew something is wrong & I got it all right about my senses?! That's where I've hind u that I knew something's wrong & I thought u would have sense it n tell me the truth. But u didn't. U continue hiding me from the truth n that makes me hurt so much & came to know my heart stops beating for you.
A month ago was where we stopped!
It was so hard for me to say the break up n caught u with u girl talking tgt. It cuts right through my heart. From e moment u say cos I started all this I know I've lost everything. N I have no trust anymore. Not a single love inside me for you was there! Everything becomes hate! This is e only way to for me to forget who u were to me. Easier for me to get back with my life without you. I know I wouldn't matters to u anymore. Hope your choice on this whole cheating thing is wat u wanted.

It's just another break up!! I'll be able to deal with it. No problems. Just this time it's slightly harder for me to let go & forget what has happened! I'll be able to overcome all this facts. Not a single memory will be remembered! AMLY you have to forget what all this months have happened! IT'S ALL JUST A DREAM!! Back to reality! This world is cruel nothing it gonna make your life easier. You just have to suck it up! Live e life u want not bring more hurt to yourself! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT & STOP HURTING YOURSELF! RHIS ISN'T YOU ALISAMA! GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF YOU STUPID BITCH!!
DON'T GET DYING OVER THIS RELATIONSHIP!

WHAT'S OVER IS OVER!
Live with it. Your going to love how much this new life you having now. It's going to be way more happier den what u have before.
LEARN HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF!

You know u love him. So leaving him is e best choice cos he doesn't love you anymore n it's cos ur e reason for all this to happen! So there's no point being sad over about. U did this whole cheating thing yourself! U have no one to blame too!
BLAME IT YOURSELF!

Need to get a real long break!
It hurts to much to let go. But I have no choice not to let go. I'll have to deal with my own life & emotions now! Move on! He has already. His happy now. It's pointless!

Sorrow/hurt

It really hurts me a lot..
Why??? Why do u have to cheat n pretend nothing has happen?? Why do u still have to lie to me?? I know everything.. Do u know how much it hurts to see u lie when I know e truth to every single lie u made?? Each lie u said cuts right through my heart. Why this matter?? Why me?? Why her? I don't get it!! Why all this shit? I gave u e chance into this relationship. U said I should give u a chance n that u wouldn't be e same.. But once again. U become someone u said u will never be again. Den why now? Why when I accepted u all but this shit happen? Why change in that sudden second when I thought u have totally changed?! U said u accepted all e shit I've done. But look! Who's e wan accepting all e shit! It was me!! I accepted all ur flaws!! Gave u e chance!! N ur restricting me?! Den why treat me so good?! When u have intended to leave?! Why when my family accepted e fact that I have a boyfriend?! Why when I thought u will never go back e same old you?! Why when I thought u deserve this chance? Everything's back to square 1 again. This will be my limits off everything. No more chance given! I've put in all my heart for this. Sorry if u said I made u sad angry n everything that hurts u. But what I did was half of what u gave me! I keep quiet just so I know what u really up to. Which I'll end this stuffs right here!

Heavy rain night. Never thought this night was so hurtful n hard to spend. I will not forget all this while when we were together I'll keep everything as memories. Kept in e deepest part. Not to be found easily. All I can do is this much of love to u. I couldn't bring myself anymore to love you for what u have did now. I'm sorry but I love you. D': I'VE NEVER EVER WANTED TO WND THIS!! Thanks for all this time by my side never left me.

I LOVE YOU DLWJ ALWAYS DID :) <3