Home alone SATURDAY NIGHT~

after so many months i've finally agree with my heart to let WD enter my life.
but i'm still not official with him yet. i dont know if its a good thing anot. i'm afraid i would hurt him. i still have that phobia in me to fully commit into relationship. :'( thanks to that ASSHOLE EX BF of mine. i dont know how can i love him so much before. really wasted a lot time & effort on him. spend so much tgt with him too but yet i still rmb the happy times we had tgt the few months after broke up instead of hating him for cheating on me. because of him i'm also afraid same thing history is going to happen on me again. i know i can trust WD but i cant trust myself. i dont know what will i do. i dont know if i will hurt him a not. i dont know if he can take my life style. i dont know if he really be able to take my attitude. i can be really bad ass attitude that even my family also cannot take it. but is not something i wan to. i wish i could change but i cant. its like fix into my system already. :'( i really dont know if i should go official. i dont wan to hurt him. his a nice guy he doesnt deserved to get hurt if i were too. maybe i shouldnt have turn the table the other way around back. should have stayed how we use to be. but again i sort of love him now. i dont dislike him like how i use to get annoyed by whatever he does. i always wan to see him no matter how much i say i DO NOT WANT TO! i always say words without filtering which hurts him indirectly unintentional. :'( never fails to check my phone always to see if i get any text or tweet from him. always checking his tweet. now i felt that his actual the guy i always envy to have. the nice sweet guy with surprises never fails to make u smile makes me love him more each time. i dont wan to lose him thou. i wan to keep him locked beside me forever. just that he has slightly bad temper, emotion & impatient. wonder how long will we last this long. his the sweetest so far. always there for me. spare me a lot of time no matter how much things he have to do & how tired he is. im quite hard to please which makes me guilty sometimes. but i dont know how to change. & i dont wan to change cos this is ME! he always fufill anything im craving for or whats on my mind. is like he knows me at the back of his friends. it feels like his always proud to have my everywhere he goes. he always talks about me. im like trending everywhere. he always brings me along to meet his friends. is he proud of having me that he wants to show everybody im his girl?? :| i really dont know whats going to happen down the road. all i know now is that i'm going to treasure what i have now den to regret ltr like 4 years back.

YOU CAN DO IT AMLY!! HAVE FAITH IN YOURSELF!!

Late night~

Had a surprise from WD at work!! He came walking pass my outlet with his brothers~ hahah! That happy moment when I saw him stand right there smiling! That instant silly smile on my face! That spilt second moment! I really melt a bit. I guess it hit me somehow!

Was chatting with all of them.. Many things they have ask me about me & WD relation. It's complicated thou but it's just me that's having this whole relation hanging there. I don't know it I should really accept him or am I really ready for another hope!? Another better future for us!? But this 2 days I've been having weird feelings towards him! Did something's that I wouldn't do it for any other guys! It's something I went off my limits again! Did things that I would complain its troublesome & gets annoy by it! Worried he safety home cos his half drunk! That moment of thought came to me that I actually wan to send him bak home safely before I gets home! But cos my freedom restriction it doesn't allows me to do so which cause me to be so worried once I left the cab! That look on my face & feeling wasn't something I've felt before nor happened on anybody else!

Guess its high time I need to settle down once again think twice what I really want between me & WD!! I shall not cause anymore hurt to anybody else! He doesn't deserved to be treated this way! WD even thou I know u love me so much but I'm sorry I hurt u so badly all this while~ I'll make it up to u! Just waiting for the right time right place right feeling right mindset! ❤<3

Randomz~

Sudden think runs through my mind.. It's been so long last e matter happened.. I'll still think of you randomly.. Will u also think of me like how I always think of u? Guess the answer is clear..

I'm tired & sick of tearing over you.. I'm done with you! This time it's for real. I need to protect myself more den I leave it out open for hurt.. Think this the least I could do for myself..

Bad day!

24/5/12
Grandma suddenly forgets to wake me up for sch cos she thoughts if was a Friday & that I'm starting late. In e end I was late for class & to my surprise THIS STUPID FUCKING BITCH TEACHER LOCK ME OUT OF CLASS FOR BEING LATE! Cb! I was only that few mins late that's all! You kidding me bitch?! Locking us out from class & not marking out attendee ?! Fuck you! Fucking wasted time 1hr sitting outside class room! Fucking piss me off! Almost the whole class knows I'm damn pissed! Raging all over twitter!

When bak home after class & took a nap.. Suddenly I thought it was e next day & woke up shocking myself looking at e time 530pm! Thought y didn't I wake up for class & nobody called me! After awhile den I realize it was me thinking too much! It's still e same day!

Guess I need a better sleep now!

Tiring lonely night

been sad in this dark lonely night.. tearing once again hearing music on itunes make me so sad that i had to cry again.. tears just wouldn't listen to me anymore they just flow as & when they wan to.. i've just let my heart take over my mind again.. is it that difficult to just forget everything & left it behind?

i dont know what's wrong with me no more.. 

somehow i have some good feelings for des now.. but i don't know what kind of feeling it is.. doesn't seems to be very obvious at times.. maybe i just have to take a break again to really regain all my confidents in life again.. maybe all this was just a test to see how i can handle this in life.. how can i overcome all this difficulties in life & how fragile life's is.. maybe i just wasn't really ready to take such heavy responsible & commitment yet.. 

for now i just have to take time to finish up what i've just started.. things have to be clear out.. i've to settle myself out too! this is going way to long so strong. i have to be even stronger den this!

I'M ABLE TO DO SETTLE ALL THIS SHIT!

Deep Thoughts~

its amazing how each time i get into trouble my grandma always know how to comfort me with heartwarming words never once fail on me with whats she's doing rather each time she surprises me with what she can do & do it with all the love you can never give or feel from anybody else~ ThatHeartWarmingMemories <3 No other grandma can replace you! You will never know how much sorrow i felt when once you ignored me. You will never know how much your mood change mine. ILoveYouPOPO!!

its amazing how each time me & sis argue so much quarrel so much yet we still loves each other so much that within minutes after arguing or quarrel we will forget what just happened before & talk like nothing had happen like there isn't something sad or bad happen, somehow i manage to forgive & forget what ever she does to make me angry & pissed off. think its really cause i love her & cherish her a lot. she's the only real blood flowing siblings i have. ILoveYouDOGGY!!

its amazing how much i hate my mummy's new husband a lot but i feel how much mummy is going through. somehow i can feel the sorrow & loneliness in her heart its like i've been in her shoes before, is this called all kids & mother links heart? i talk to her sometimes even seen her watery eyes & tears sometimes. it really hurts me so much each time i see her broken & its like no ones there to help her, the only person she can talk to was my aunt her younger sis but aunt also has her problems to solve with which also cant help mummy much its all cause of her stupid husband who cause all this bad memories to my family since we were young. his actually not that bad just that he doesn't think before he act. i think he acts on anger! which i hate e most! i didn't wan to forgive him but family makes me no choice but to move on & forgive him. seeing grandma & mummy happy is what i want the most den to have myself being happy & see them sad especially mummy i don't wan to she her sad anymore. i wan her to feel that she can have a husband & family like other normal happy family have i know she's envy each time she sees happy family dining together but she doesn't have it cause her husband just spoils everything he has! HIS STILL A JERK TO ME! 2012 this is the year i grant mummy her wish having no sadness no hard feeling during the whole dinner together with everybody. smiling happily during dinner chatting & all like normal usual days its a bit hard & awkward for me but i made it with sis thou she hates him more den i do. we even took a family photo together smile like he doesn't exist. mummy was super happy. the smile on her face & long text massage she send me e next morning. i know everything melted her heart. that was the day she was waiting for so long in her life time. seeing everybody was the happiest in my whole life. nothing will hurt me more than seeing them heart broken. ILoveYouMUMMY!

i really wants a happy family from young like how most normal kids have but unfortunately i don't have that from ever since i was 1years old. you know how much it is for a kid at 1 year old to lost the whole family just like that? its very painful to ask what happen as you grow up. cause the truth just hurt you so much you just sometimes you wish you didn't have asked. just want to live in the magical land fantasy dreams i ever have. no sadness no heartbroken no lies. nothing but purely just the truth. its is so hard to just being truthful your entire life? somehow it does cause you just wan to protect your love once from being hurt by saying a lie to protect them but the more you use lies to cover things up the more you will just live in lies your entire life. never going to speak the truth anymore. things will all turn out differently once you know the truth & why they lied. even if you know why they lied its for your own good but you still wants to know the truth instead of lying cause being lied to its the most horrible feeling ever!

its been long time since i really sit on my bed thinking so much during the night viewing such nice scenery thinking what have i done in my whole life. things that i have yet to do must be done to what mistake i've done needs to be corrected!

I NEED TO LIVE MY LIFE WORTHY NOT WASTED FOR SOME JACKASS JERKS!
I NEED TO STAND BACK UP LIKE HOW I USE TO BE !
NOTHING CAN KNOCK ME DOWN!
NEVER ONCE I WILL ALLOW MYSELF TO BREAK DOWN!
SAY NO MORE TO SORROWS!
ITS GOING TO BE JUST HAPPINESS!
JUST HAPPINESS!!

27 April 2012 friday

due to ytd my stupid itchy fingers i when to peel e skin off my injured toe thinking nothing is wrong, just a few sec after i put e medi on it i striaght away scream in pain dont know wat to do.. almost cried! thats how pain it was once e medi tounches e wound & today its so pain that i couldnt walk properly at times. had to wear slippers to sch. think my right leg is damn jialet, everywhere is pain. i think i also injure some where near my ankle, it feel super pain at some point of time when i walked too long. just i need to visit the doctor again if it gets worst. sigh.... :'( 

had a very long day.. todays lesson theory was a bit dry but i still manage to stay awake during teaching.. just as i thought i can go home my friend reminded me that theres course workshop. totally shag after that.

ipv6 workshop is a total waste of time. quite boring & of course i didn't listen to what the speaker was talking about uh. was playing with my phone and talking to classmates. after class went to aunt place & head to airport together to send her off to bkk. what a nice life. i wish i can left town too. kinda sick of this town. needs a get a way to enjoy life.

after dinner just now i was very tired that i'm kinda down.. so many things running through my mind again.. so many things that i don't understand why i changed myself so much.. its like i have spilt personality now.. i have multi character.. so many thing i'm doing now i don't know which is my true self.. i have confuse with my true self & my fake self.. things are getting out a hand.. i really need a place to rest myself in peace! i just need a peace of mind to forget what ever has happened within this period of time.. i'm putting myself in so much sorrows.. i don't know what to do.. all i know now is to tired myself down to not be able to think about anything else anymore.. just drop dead on bed and doze off wake up with no problems occurring..

just don't know why i'm like this now.. so restless each day.. its because of YOU think i let YOU affect me too much i need to learn to stop letting YOU affect me this much.. I NEED TO GET BACK MY LIFE!